What a Beautiful Mess This is
by leiaweasley
Summary: The long distance relationship finally starts to strain. Spoilers for 'Weight Loss.'
1. Chapter 1

Jim was having a horrible day. Michael wouldn't stop bugging him about Holly, and Dwight wouldn't stop bragging about the sale he took from Jim. After work he sped to New York, just waiting for the moment he could see his fiancé's face.

As he was about to knock on the door to her room, he heard a male voice inside, followed by Pam's laugh. He froze, even though he knew that Pam had a couple of male friends –it didn't bother him at all.

Wincing, he realized that maybe it did bother him a little bit, but he would never admit that to Pam.

The problem was that Pam hadn't mentioned anything about one of her male friends being there today.

For the past couple of weeks, things had been a bit tense between the two of them. They hadn't been able to see each other, which left both of them resentful and annoyed at each other for the littlest things. Pam had even hung up on him a few days ago.

Jim took a deep breath. This was probably nothing. He wasn't going to let himself get worked up over this.

Reaching up, he knocked on the door. The talking immediately quieted and he heard Pam yell, "Come in!"

Jim opened the door and was greeted by the sight of Pam and her male friend sitting on her bed. It looked like they had been doing some sketching, or something of that nature. However, that project seemed to be abandoned and now they were just sitting there. Close. Closer than Jim would have liked.

Jim shook those thoughts out of his head.

"Hey," Jim said, leaning over to kiss Pam quickly.

"Hi, I'm Jim. You must be Ben, right?" Jim offered his hand to Pam's friend.

"Yeah. Hey, nice to meet you." He returned the handshake. "Well, I should go get going, Pam. We'll finish up later." Ben started to get up.

Pam brought her hand up to stop him. "No, we should probably just finish now. We don't have much time. Jim can wait just a few minutes. Right?" Pam looked up at him.

That was the last thing that he wanted to do. They hadn't seen each other in weeks. Jim tried hard not to show his disappointment on his face. "Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. Your homework is much more important. I'll just surf the internet or something."

Ben finally left an hour later. Jim had spent the hour listening to Pam and Ben talking and laughing about everything. He tried not to feel jealous, but he couldn't help it. Every time he heard Pam laugh at one of Ben's jokes, he felt a little stab of jealousy.

After Pam got back from walking Ben out, she gave Jim a hug from behind and kissed his cheek.

"Sorry about that. We had a project and it couldn't wait. I totally forgot about it when we talked earlier." Pam came around and perched on the edge of her desk. "This professor is such a jerk. He threw it at us on Monday. Ben says he probably leads an unfulfilling life and likes to take it out on innocent students."

Pam then started on a rant about her classes, with a few "Ben says this…" "Ben thinks…" thrown in for good measure.

Jim nodded and tried to laugh at the right moments. But inside he was getting increasingly annoyed at the idea of Pam and her new _friend_.

"But enough about that. We've got other things to attend to," Pam said, finally looking him in the eye.

Jim only nodded and sat stiffly and unmoving in the chair.

Pam cocked an eyebrow. "What's up with you?"

Jim shrugged, not daring to open his mouth. He didn't know what would come out.

"What do you mean by that?" Pam imitated Jim's noncommittal shrug.

"Nothing. You're right, let's get to it." Jim stood up and grabbed Pam's hand to lead her to the bed.

Pam slapped his hand away.

"No. Don't do that. Don't think this can be solved by sex. We need to talk about this, whatever it is."

Jim groaned and ran his hands through his hair a few times.

"Alright, fine." Jim said, throwing his hands up. "I had the shittiest day today. Michael wouldn't leave me alone about Holly, which is usually annoying, but today it went way passed annoying. Dwight took a big fucking sale away from me, and I haven't gotten to see you in so long… I thought we could just have some time alone together, but instead I have to spend an hour listening to you and _Ben_ going on about whatever. Then you get done with that and proceed to go on about everything with Pratt and how great it is. And how 'Ben says this' and 'Ben says that.'" Jim finally stopped to take a breath.

He was so upset he was shaking. Looking over at Pam for a second, he realized she was standing with her arms crossed, looking ready to kill. He couldn't believe he had said all that. But that didn't stop him from continuing.

"You know what? You'd probably be better with Ben anyways," Jim said. Pam's eyes widened. She opened her mouth, but Jim cut her off. "You can talk about art with him and he'll actually understand, and look! He's actually going to be doing something with his life that's not selling paper," Jim said in a quieter tone, indicating the sketches on the bed and not meeting Pam's eyes.

Jim couldn't believe he had voiced his thoughts out loud. He had never truly believed any of it in his heart, but somehow his mind had warped his views. Saying it out loud made it seem that much more real, and less of an idea in his head.

Jim walked over to the bed and sat down, staring at the floor.

"How could you say something like that?"

Jim shrugged again.

"Seriously, Jim. Talk to me!"

Jim continued to stare at the floor, saying nothing.

"Damn it! I cannot believe you just said that to me. Did I not agree to marry you?"

"Wouldn't be the first time you broke that promise," Jim muttered quietly.

"Fuck you, Jim._ Fuck you._ You do not get to say that to me. Get the hell out of here," Pam yelled, tears evident in her voice.

Jim didn't move. He could feel tears welling up in his own eyes.

"I told you to get out of here!" Pam ran over to Jim and attempted to pull him to his feet. When he didn't move, Pam started to pull harder, and getting more and more upset, she began weakly punching him in the arm. After a few punches, Pam gave up and collapsed on the floor sobbing.

Jim fought to keep his emotions at bay, but lost as a single tear fell down his face at the sight of Pam looking so upset and defeated. He was the world's biggest asshole. He didn't deserve Pam – he was always striving be different than Roy, but it seemed he was becoming everything he'd fought so hard against.

Jim stood up and started walking for the door. "O-Okay. I'll get out of here," Jim's voice wobbled. "I'll just head back now. If you want to break off…"

His voice broke and he couldn't continue. Jim wiped the tears from his face and he walked out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Pam lay sobbing on the floor. She was interrupted ten minutes later when there was a soft knock on her door. Pam whipped her head up. Her heart soared. She wasn't going to take him right back with open arms, but she was glad he made the effort of coming back. Pam jumped up and ran to the door to find not Jim, but Caitlin, one of her residents, looking concerned.

"Pam? Are you okay? We heard yelling."

Pam's lip began to tremble. She firmly bit down.

"Yeah. Totally fine," Pam said, nodding.

Caitlin didn't look like she believed her, but didn't persist. "Um…okay. Well, let me know if you need anything."

Pam shut the door and slid down the length to rest on the floor. She did not know what to do. She and Jim had never gotten into a fight like this before. Sure, with Roy it happened a lot more frequently, but she was used to that with Roy. Never with Jim.

The only thing she could think of was to call her mom.

Pam reached into her pocket and grabbed her phone.

"Hi, sweetie."

"Hi, Mom," Pam responded dejectedly.

"Oh, Pam. Are you alright?"

Pam felt tears forming in her eyes again. "Um… not really, Mom."

Pam's mom's voice suddenly turned to concern. "What's going on?"

"Well…it's actually…about Jim." Pam felt a tear run down her face.

"Jim? Seriously?"

"Yeah. I know. We just had a horrible fight and I don't know what to do. He came to visit me for the weekend and he came a little earlier than I was expecting and Ben was over…"

"Which one is Ben again?"

"He's the one that's in the same program as me. So he's in like all my classes."

"Oh right. Well, I'm guessing that Jim was jealous?"

"Well, we were working on a project and we needed to finish. I told Jim to just hang out and wait. He seemed fine then, but after Ben left he just started yelling.."

"That doesn't sound like Jim. That sounds more like Roy."

"I _know!_ He even said I would be better with Ben. How could he ever think that? I mean, yeah Ben's nice and he's a good friend to have right now. But, he could never, ever replace Jim." "God, maybe this is what Jim is really like. Maybe I don't know him at all," Pam added sadly.

"Pam, honey you know that's not true."

"How do you know? You barely even know him!" Pam scoffed. "Well I guess I don't really either."

"Pam, you're just upset. You don't really think that."

"No, maybe I'm thinking clearly for the first time…"

Her mom cut her off. "Pam. Listen to me. You're just freaking out cause you've never had a fight. I'm telling you. Jim probably didn't mean what he said. I bet he's beating himself over it right now. Talk to him."

Pam shook her head exasperated. "That's the problem! I tried to talk to him and then he just snapped at me!"

"Well, dear, something is clearly bothering him. You just need to talk to him. That's the only way this is going to get better."

"He should be the one to call me," Pam snapped.

Pam heard her mom sigh. "Fine. Do whatever you want. It's your life."

"Sorry, mom. I shouldn't be a jerk to you too. I just need some time to think."

"I know. Let me know what happens. And Pam? I know he loves you more than anything. Girls wait their whole life to find a guy like Jim. Don't throw that away over a stupid fight."

Pam spent the rest of the evening stewing in her anger. She knew her mom had a point. Jim probably was lonely, but that didn't mean he could treat her like that.

Pam tossed and turned the rest of the night. When she got up in the morning she sent Jim a text. She stared at her phone waiting for his response.

--

Jim spent the whole drive back to Scranton blasting music.

_You're an asshole. How could you say that to her? You don't deserve her._

Jim tried to physically shake the thoughts out of his head as he turned up the volume. When he looked his over his shoulder to change lanes, he noticed that he was right by Exit 17, and felt his heart sink. That was supposed to be a place that filled him with the memory of that moment, but right now it made him even more upset.

When Jim finally got back to his apartment, he dropped his stuff by the door and then fell onto his couch. He lay there for a while, his face covered by his hands. Every five minutes he checked his phone. Still no calls. He knew he should be the one to call. This was a mess that he had started.

Jim even started to call her a couple times, but then chickened out before hitting send. He just didn't know what he would say. He knew that he had to apologize, first of all. He wanted to take back everything he said, especially the cruel comment about her previous engagement. That wasn't him. He was just frustrated and angry.

Some insecure thoughts in his head that he really believed had slipped out though. Jim still felt like he was doing nothing with his life and Pam could be with someone who was going to actually accomplish something. Sure, he had some foolish dream of being a sports writer. But, really that was only a dream. And it was so hard to get started in that career that he wouldn't be able to provide for Pam anyways. _If she even wants to get married to you anymore_. Jim raked his hands over his face. No, he couldn't think like that. Jim reached over and grabbed the remote off the coffee table to give himself something else to numb his mind from this horrible day.

Jim ended up watching TV the rest of the night. He eventually fell asleep while a tiny bit of early morning sun peeped through the blinds.

Jim had a fitful few hours of sleep, plagued by nightmares of varying degrees of Pam leaving him. And even one where Pam was a man and left him for Dwight.

He was woken from restless sleep by the metallic chirp of his ring-tone. He woke up instantly, and hastily grabbed his phone from the side table.

"Hello?"

Hearing no response, Jim looked at his phone. No one had called him. It was a text message from Pam.

Jim felt his heart racing. His large fingers moved across the tiny buttons sloppily as he tried to retrieve the message. After a few tries, he finally managed to open the message.

**We need to talk. Call me when you get this. **

His heart was now racing even faster, this time from nerves.

He looked at the clock. It was 11 am. He knew he at least another hour before he would have to call her. Pam knew that Jim had never been able to sleep past noon.

Jim spent the next hour nervously pacing and trying to figure out what exactly he would tell Pam. He knew he had to apologize and try and fix it. He wished she hadn't texted him because it was so hard to interpret her tone through the text. _Was this a break-up 'need to talk?'_ Jim couldn't breathe as he thought about that. Jim shook his head and looked at the clock. It was 11:53. Jim gulped. It was time.

Jim opened his phone and with a shaking hand found Pam's number and hit 'send.'

Jim's hands continued to shake as the phone rang.

Pam picked up after a few rings. "Hello?"

"Hi." Jim's voice cracked on the word and he quickly cleared his throat.

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds. Finally Jim got the courage to say something.

"H-how's it going?" Jim asked hoping his voice didn't convey his nervousness.

"Oh, I think you know," Pam said sounding spiteful.

Her tone made Jim's heart sink.

"Right. Well, Pam. Let me just say that I'm so sorry for what I said. I was just lonely and upset and had no right to say that to you."

"You're right. You didn't."

Pam's voice suddenly turned sad. "You just really hurt me, Jim. It's going to take a little more than a simple 'I'm sorry.'"

Jim sat frozen on the couch at Pam's words. He didn't know what to say.

"How could you ever think I would want to be with someone else? Don't you realize it's different this time? I love you like I never loved Roy. I can imagine my whole life with you…" Pam's voice started to break.

Tears came to Jim's eyes at Pam's words.

"If you really didn't know that, than maybe you're not the man I thought you were." Pam sniffled into the phone.

Jim started hyperventilating. This could not be happening. "Pam. Pam. I love you. Just.."

Pam cut him off. "Until you can really prove that to me." She hung up.


End file.
